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i'm staying at some sort of live-in school. a small place with only about 10 or so children there. i'm a mix of ages but mostly about 11 or 12. the school is both where my elementary school was and where my middle school was. the school is just a little old house. my room is one of 4 on the first floor of the house. there's a screen door leading outside from it. its spring/summer outside. i'm fucking up at the school. i don't like the games they make us play and my work is a mess- piles of battered construction paper and various school bags. my dog M is there with me. i keep sneaking out the screen door of my room because i have an apartment of my own across the street and i just want to go there and be alone. i'm missing my friend DB (middle school BF in RL). she used to be here with me but is gone now. the teachers here question me about our friendship sometimes. i think maybe her mom pulled her out to get her away from me. at one point one of the the teachers asks me if we were junkies together. i say no no and back out of the room but i'm high and i think maybe we were. did i give it to her first? i can't remember. i just want to go home. i keep gathering my stuff and my dog's leash and trying to leave throuh that screen door in my room but i can't seem to gather everything of mine or i can't find the dog leash. always something. and then one day she appears, my friend DB and she is taller than i remember her and so pretty, so well put together, and i feel like such a slob such a raggamuffin compared to her. and i smile at her and she does a tight little smile back and says quickly "i just want to tell you that i've moved on. we'll never be friends again, ok? don't try to contact me." and i am stunned. my heart lit up when i first saw her thinking oh she's back she's back and i never thought i never thought she'd be so cold. she pushes past me and i smell the soap she last used and she is so pretty, so fresh. but gone gone. and i start to cry and i'm surprised that i'm so sad over this. i didn't know i never realized i cared this much.
and then i am talking to her little sister. she has dark hair, dark eyes. and i'm trying to find out what happened. why is DB so angry with me? the sister is sweet to me but she doesn't want to tell me what's going on. and there are other people there, kids and teachers trying to reach out to me but i don't feel a part of this place. i really just want to go home. and then i hear about the diary. how one of the kids had found my diary on a table. must have fallen out of one of my bags and she started reading it and it got passed around to the other kids and teachers and i am furious that they read it and trying to remember what's in there. does it talk about my using? and i am tearing through the school house in a panic trying to find the diary and the kids are turning on me, taunting me with the stuff they read. it seems they've all read it, all of it, and i just want it back now. i want it back but no one will tell me where it is and i am getting more and more enraged and throwing stuff and attacking the other kids and crying crying. and finally i find it in the hands of some girl on the second floor and she is screaming at me and holding the book above her head and i am lunging at her and saying "you've all read it now, right? right? so just give it BACK to me. its mine mine.. you all had no RIGHT to read it" and finally she releases it and i grab it and i am sobbing and hiccupping, such a mess. and i gather my stuff and my dog and her leash from my room and open the screen door and climb out and jump down (no porch or steps) and the leash slips through my fingers and my dog takes off and i am calling out for her scared she will run into the street and get hit but she comes back to me and i loop the leash through my wrist and then there's DB's little sister again and i tell her i want to see DB, i want to talk to her, but she says its no use she doesn't want to talk to you anymore. and her face is sad and sweet looking at me with worry and there's some other kid, a boy, another school outcast and he is leaving with me too and we walk off together towards my apartment across the street. i'm still crying but feeling better now. i don't care anymore what those people think of me.
DB didn't have a little sister in RL. she did have an older dark-haired sister but the girl in the dream was someone different. woke up crying. so strage to dream of DB, rarely think about her at all... it was a bit traumatic for me when our friendship ended when i was 14. she met some guy and just dropped me cold. this was a very close friendship from 7th thru 9th grade.
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TD and i have bought 8346 from my parents. we've just moved in this day and the place is a mess. my parents have left a lot behind that they thought we might be able to use. its evening and we are all in the livingroom watching tv. we have 4 children rather than 2 in the dream. the other two are younger, a boy and a girl.
the boy is dark-haired and thin, has some sort of learning disability. he doesn't talk much but when he does he speaks of strange stuff - time travel and black holes. LD is sitting beside him. he holds up a bottle cap and makes a noise at her. its a game he plays. he wants her to name the object for him. she says "bottle cap" and he looks satisfied but then a few moments later he holds it up again and she says "blanket" and i scold her for teasing him. i say "bottle cap, that's a bottle cap". she says she wasn't teasing him, that it comforts him to believe that things can change their names.
the other girl is curly-haired, about 5 years old. she wears a stiff, old-fashioned little girl dress, white tights, black mary-janes. she says something about how she's going to miss me "when mexico comes". at first i think she thinks i'm not coming along but then i remember that she's the one that's staying behind. she will be staying with TD's mother.
i'm hungry. TD says there's left over something or other (i don't catch what she says) in the kitchen. the place is much bigger than i remember. i walk through a most-empty dining room into the kitchen and open the refrigerator. i thought there was some pizza in here but if there was its gone now. there are lots of condiments but not a lot of real food. i get distracted by trying to clean and organize all the stuff my mother left behind in here. there are paper bags of recycling and i call out to LD to remind her that her chore is to take out the recycling today. i tell her there are bags in here as well. i can hear her groan from the livingroom.
there's a formica table in the kitchen with the image of a dragon on top. i sponge off the top and test the strenght of the table with my hands. its very steady but one of the matching chairs sinks down a few inches when i press on top of it. i kneel down to examine it. two of the metal pieces came detached. the place where they are to meet has a plastic piece that's broken. i try to fit the pieces together a few times but the broken plastic piece causes one of the pieces to keep falling out of its grip. i decide the chair is fine anyway. sort of like one of those old bouncy metal chairs but this one is cushioned with a vinyl blue/purple stuff that matches the dragon table.there's another little round oak table that we brought with us just inside the kitchen doorway. i see TD passing through the diningroom and i ask her which table she thinks we should use. she says she likes the dragon table.
i walk around the dragon table to a space beyond it to see what else my mother may have left. there's a roomy sort of alcove back here that i dont' remember being here. the floors are old plank wood that has discolorations in it that seem to make a sort of design of some sort. not a lot of stuff over here. mostly empty. there's an open doorway that leads down to the cellar. i tell myself there's no reason for me to ever have to go down there and as i'm walking away from it i distinctly hear a girl's voice from below saying "Daddy? Daddy?" and it frightens me. i think it must be a ghost voice from the past. i call out to TD and she comes to me and i tell her about it.
time skips a bit. its a few minutes later and i seem to have forgotten about the voice from the basement. i'm cleaning, organizing now around the sink area in the kitchen. there's a small pile of dirty dishes, mostly just dusty stuff my mother left behind. i clean a small clear glass pitcher and dry it and find a spot on a high shelf in a cupboard that has other glass pitches on it. i clean a big metal spoon that seems to have a layer of oatmeal on it. not dried though. one of the kids must have cooked some earlier. i rinse the oatmeal from it down the drain and turn on a switch over the sink to start the motor for the garbage disposal. the sound it makes is weak though and i remember that my father used to have to go down to the basement to do something to make it work. no way am i ever doing that though. as i think this i glance up towards a rectangular opening in the wall that leads to the basement space. another entrance besides the doorway i passed earlier. i notice that there are also holes in the floor in different spots through out the kitchen and surrounding areas. not jagged, neat rectangular holes. black spaces that breath cold air from below. i think i'll call someone in to cover all those areas. maybe even that doorway. no need for me to ever go down there. then i start to worry about money. i agreed to buy this house without asking the price and i'm sure my father is going to rip me off somehow. and now i'm going to have to sell my other house. how am i going to be able to afford both mortgages in the meantime? and why would i want to buy this house? it took me so long to get away from it and now i am actually paying my parents to come back here. what was i thinking? and the money i have that i put in that account that i've lost track of. i really need to find the bank where i left it and call them and pay the fines for not paying taxes on the money all these years. before its all gone. before they decide the money's been abandoned.
time skips again. a few hours later. my mother is here. i ask her about the trash disposal system, if something has to be done in the basement to get it to work. she says no, that my father fixed it before they left. all i need to do now is turn on the switch above the sink. it works fine now. i show her some jewelry i found near the sink. ask her if she's sure she meant to leave it behind. she picks out an old watch with a black rhinestone band, says i guess i should keep this, and leaves the rest on the counter beside the sink.
morning nap. obvious meaning. the lost money is a recurring dream theme. so is the basement from 8346 although its been a long time since i've dreamed of that.