Date of dream: Friday, March 28, 2003
Level of Lucidity: 
Level of Cohesiveness:
Lucid Intent? No
This dream has been viewed 4311 times.
Last night I dreamed I was following a group of people and we came out over a stairway leading down into this carpeted room. At first it was a normal stairway, and I wanted very badly to go into the room as the others were there and I was being left behind, and the room looked so colorful and happy. But then all of a sudden it was not a stairway but some kind of bar, and one VERY TALL step, so the person descending would have to grab onto the bar with their hands and do some sort of acrobatic leap in order to reach the floor.
You probably don't know this but I am absolutely TERRIFIED of heights, major acrophobia; I can't even climb a ladder and expect to come back down on my own--like a cat caught up a tree. Even standing on a surface that's a few feet high can get me nervous. It's that bad. So I hope you get the idea.
Well, in the dream, a young girl went ahead of me and made it down to the lower level just fine. A little girl! And I was quaking with fear. Me, an adult. I really, really wanted to go into that room, but I was too terror stricken to even try.
I finally reached out and put my hands on the bar, hoping to just grab onto it and test the waters, so to speak, then let go and pull back when I realized it was too high. But that didn't happen. For as soon as I grabbed on I lost balance in such a way that if I were to let go of the bar, I'd go PLUMMETING to the floor! It looked to be at least fifty feet down, GAH!! I was leaning out over this abyss, with my feet on the ledge and my hands on the bar, and I had NO way of getting down unless someone helped me (and everybody else was occupied, not noticing my presence), or unless I...well...you know.
I think I considered yelling for help, but I knew none would come.
Then I started doing something very odd.
I closed my eyes and said, "It's just a dream. I'm not afraid of heights. I can't get hurt. It's just a dream. I'm not afraid of heights. I can't get hurt. It's just a dream..."
For, all of a sudden, I KNEW this was only a dream, and if I could control it, I would not get hurt. It took a LOT of repeating--at first I was only saying this mentally, but then I started saying it aloud, as if to convince myself--and I had a few false starts. But finally, I took a breath, again told myself it was just a dream, and commanded myself to grab onto the bar and swing upwards like a gymnast. Do a few spins and such and plummet down to land on my feet. It didn't quite work out the way I planned, as, with it being only a dream, the physical sensations were not right--I remember spinning around in the air a few times in a disorderly manner, not at all controlled like a gymnast would be--but in the end, I landed on the floor, unhurt. Alive! Amazing.
I don't remember much afterwards of that pretty room, go figure. >:/ But I DO remember telling somebody that I had known it was a dream, and that was how I escaped harm and overcame my fear.
Which is what leads me to the question...what the heck WAS that? At first, I did NOT know it was a dream. It felt very real--even my fear was palpable, even while I said it was a dream. I could FEEL the squeezing feeling in my chest, the shortness of breath and such. But, while I was telling myself it was a dream, I KNEW it was a dream, at least, in the dream. I didn't know that me telling myself it was a dream was a dream in itself...does that even make sense? o_O I thought my telling myself it was a dream was REALITY, when in fact it was not. Then, once I landed again, I remembered the "dream" part, but once more, the whole thing was reality! If it had been just a dream, why would I have ended up in that room after having descended from that height? Wouldn't the room and the people in it have been a dream, too? It's like my mind entered a temporary dream state to enable me to overcome my fear, but then I ceased knowing it was a dream. I had slight lucidity at that one point--but only to an extent. I did NOT know I was actually lying on the couch sleeping with the TV on. I only knew at that ONE point that I could not be hurt if I jumped; everything else to me was real, even the landing.
I'm wracking my brain trying to figure this one out. o_O What the heck was that and why did it happen? It was almost like a dream within a dream, though it wasn't. It was more like limited lucidity within a dream, without total knowledge that the entire thing was a dream. It felt good to overcome a fear, but I'll be damned if I can figure out what happened, why, or how.
(For the record--I am not capable of lucid dreaming. Only very, very rarely will I know that something is a dream--in fact I know of only one occasion when that happened--but I can't actively change things, wake myself up, or tell myself it's just a dream and won't hurt me. I've tried getting myself to dream of certain topics by repeating key words before dozing off, but that does not work either. Which is why this dream was doubly strange for me.)
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Date of dream: Saturday, March 22, 2003
Level of Lucidity: N/A
Level of Cohesiveness:
Lucid Intent? No
This dream has been viewed 4336 times.
This dream is from my nap of 3/20/03.
This dream shifted out of "Take That, Snooty Guys!" though I THINK it was the same one. I'm not sure how but I ended up at some big inner-city school. (I may have been in a classroom at one point, but I'm not sure.) It had more than one story and seemed very, very big and spacious; not at all like any of the schools I've ever attended. None of my schools have ever risen above one story, except the community college, which I think was two stories. This seemed even taller. Picture a high school as it appears in those inner-city gang flicks--everything nicked and chipped, cavernous halls full of lockers, old and rundown looking, maybe with metal bars or chains on the doors. Something like that. I was now a detective, I think, and I was searching this school (if it was a school--it may have been a warehouse or something, but I feel it was meant to be a school) for a criminal or a crime scene or...something.
I identified with my police character Det. Justin Reichert for some reason. He has not appeared in any of my writing, though he appears in an unwritten story plot. He's gay (though closeted at first) and was nearly a victim of the September 11th attack on the Twin Towers. I'm not sure if this information matters or not, but...for some reason I felt I was or should be him, roleplaying, almost, and I was checking out this big empty school. Another detective, maybe Max Kristeva (another character of mine, and an abuse survivor), was about, also looking around, and we felt there might be gunmen or something on a higher floor.
I came to a big stairwell which bent at right angles as it ascended and started going up, keeping myself close to the wall and holding out my gun to my side with arms extended. At least I THINK I had a gun. Everything was yellowish tinted, so I think the walls might have been a sickly yellow, and late afternoon light was shining through the windows. I went upstairs silently, feeling very tense.
I came out into this huge upper room. It looked like a gymnasium and I felt it was high up, maybe a third story; I think it was the top story of the building. VERY high and huge and spacious. There seemed to be bars of some kind, or beams, crossing the ceiling in parts--wooden or maybe metal. Again, it was yellowish and somewhat rundown. The floor was shiny, but probably scuffed. I think it was wooden. I started to walk across the floor a bit and the other detective joined me (I never actually looked at him, but I knew he was there). We stood here in puzzlement. Where were the bad guys we were looking for?
A voice came to us then, which may in fact have been carryover from the TV in real life. It said something in this melodramatic voice; I think it may have been female. It just came out of nowhere and exclaimed, "The walls are weeping blood!"
We both looked up in surprise. There may have been a balcony area overlooking the gym, or it may have been just rusted metal bars, but way up on the right side we noticed now that there was some drying blood trickling down the wall from the ceiling. We stared at this in some curiosity and moved closer to get a better look, though it was very high up. We both thought the same thing now, that there might be a body up there. (Apparently there was now ANOTHER level to the school, maybe an attic or storage room with a wooden, porous floor through which the blood had seeped.) If there was a dead body up there, then our bad guys were likely up there as well.
We set off to find out. I don't remember us actually making our way up to this higher level, but we ended up in ANOTHER wide, spacious room, yet with a much lower ceiling; it was very atticlike, dusty and dull but not very cluttered. This part gets confusing again and was probably influenced by what was on TV, but I like how it ended because it was so final! My own role in things was also mixed up; I seemed to be one of the gunmen, but I can't tell if I was a good guy or a bad guy. Suddenly there were a WHOLE BUNCH of bad guys AND good guys and neutral guys up here, and they were all after the same thing. There were men and women; I remember at least one gunwoman. They all had handguns and as soon as we got here, everyone engaged in a Mexican standoff. Nobody really knew who the good or bad guys were and it didn't really matter, because everybody was looking out for only themselves. All of a sudden every gun was aimed at somebody else's head!
But like I said--we didn't really know WHO to shoot, or who would shoot us. So--ZIP!--like that, everybody spun around and aimed at somebody else, all on cue. And then ZIP!--they did it again. It was very funny to watch. (I was pointing a gun too.) Like the whole thing had been choreographed this way--everybody spun around to aim at somebody else, all at once. And every head was accounted for.
And then everybody fired all at the same time, and everybody fell over dead. ^_^
Well...actually, they took time to die. Now I was back to being Reichert or whoever I was (somehow my partner and I escaped death), and I was assessing the damage. And now ALL of the dying bad and good and neutral guys were turning into stuffed toys. I came to one guy (bad?) who looked like Radar from MASH, I think, and he was complaining and crying weakly as he expired. He turned into a stuffed frog toy with big google eyes, I believe. I think he was complaining because he did not want to turn into a frog, but that was his form after death. I walked over to another one who had turned into an orange fuzzy goose toy with a long neck. I picked this one up and smiled at it wistfully. For some reason, I had wanted to know what sort of stuffed animals all these people were. Now, with their deaths, I finally knew.
I realize this is a very odd ending to what started out as a relatively normal dream, but well, that's the way they go. o_o;
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Date of dream: Saturday, March 22, 2003
Level of Lucidity: N/A
Level of Cohesiveness:
Lucid Intent? No
This dream has been viewed 4445 times.
I had this dream during my nap last night. I didn't take note of it as I thought it would stick with me better than usual. The first part is very vague, but the latter parts stick with me simply because they remind me of that series of "abuse" dreams I had not long ago.
Like I said, the beginning is vague...I know I was with some people, maybe in a restaurant/tavern or something. At least one other person was with me throughout the dream and stayed by my side. I morphed into the character of Bobby Goren from Law & Order: Criminal Intent and thereafter I remained him. The dream shifted into an account of what was supposed to have been his life and experiences, what had made him who he was today.
We ended up walking into this big back room, maybe going down a hallway. The walls were all dark wood--everything dark brown--I find this color comforting. It reminds me of very old dreams. Dark wood and warm light; it would always soothe me. I haven't dreamed of that in ages. Carpeted, and quiet, and dimly lit back here. I think someone was leading us (the other person with me MIGHT have been my partner, Alex Eames), but they were not within sight; we were following them. In this back room, behind a corner to the left, there was yet another back room with the light on, burning brighter than the (unseen) lights in the current room.
As we passed by a sort of little table or something (maybe a little mini pool table?) on the left, my attention was drawn to some little toys sitting atop it. I gasped when I noticed that one was TURTLE! Turtle! In real life, Turtle was a little plastic toy turtle of mine. I used to play with lots of little plastic animals and acted out all their adventures. Turtle was the best friend of Kitten, but he had a bad habit of always disappearing for ages, leaving poor Kitten on his own. These were the times when I would lose my Turtle toy, and had to make up a story behind his absence from my games. Turtle and Kitten were my favorites; they were such good friends. But I hated how Turtle was always disappearing. Kitten put up with it well, but I sensed it hurt him. (Remember--I was a kid back when I used to play this.) Then finally I lost Turtle for good, and never saw him again. :( To this day I'm not sure where he went. It's odd that I was always losing Turtle, but never Kitten. I can't understand it. I like to imagine maybe they found each other and went off on an adventure or something. Turtle and Kitten represent a very important part of my childhood, and of learning about how friends will not always be there for you.
Anyway...I spotted Turtle here on this table...and I could not believe it! I TRIED to make myself follow the man(?) back to the other room, but I had to halt and backtrack to the table to pick up the toy. I was so elated to see him! I spotted now at least one other turtle toy that looked almost exactly like him, except it was all in dark brown colors, maybe dark brown with a lighter brown shell, like wood; so I picked it up too. I might as well take along this alternate edition Turtle! And there was at least one more toy, but I'm not sure if it was another turtle or not; I think it might have been slightly bigger. It came with me as well. My partner, whoever it was, stopped and watched me as I did this. I could have jumped for joy! Instead, I scooped the toys into my hands and started forward again with a big grin.
Well, we continued, but now I turned and to my RIGHT, in the bigger, opener section of this room...it was empty of furniture and cast in shadows as there was no light over here, and looked as if it should be part of an attic or some such...I spotted some other things. These were not things from my real-life childhood, at least that I can remember; I think they were meant to be from Goren's childhood. (Remember, I was in Bobby Goren's persona.) The objects over here, lying on the floor, looked to be old videogames from the Eighties or some such...you know, Pac-Man, Donkey Kong, that sort of thing. Bweep-bweep-bweep-boop, with all the sound effects. They were large and clunky, like old-fashioned Ataris or something; but their build reminded me of little mini pinball machines. Do you know those home pinball machines you could get, just set it on the floor and play with it? They were kind of like that, but I knew they were supposed to be old videogames from Goren's childhood. And now it was HE who was remembering, and I turned slowly to look at these things just lying in the dark like that.
My earlier childish enthusiasm died a bit, growing more into confusion and...I'm not sure if there's a word for how I was feeling. Reminisce has too good of a connotation for how I felt; I guess I was pensive. Thoughtful. I halted and stared at these videogames and I think I said something, but I'm not sure what. I believe I was remarking on the games and how I remembered them, what they meant to me. They meant my childhood, which I knew had not been a pleasant thing. I sort of felt like going over and grabbing them up, too.
I turned, again to follow the person (an older man?) who had been leading us, and in the wall ahead of me, on my right when facing the next, lit room, was a door. It didn't seem to be full height like a regular door, but was shorter, and not built the same as a regular door...you know how regular doors have those indentations in them? It's just the way they're built? This one was flat, just cheap wood or board, medium brown, handle on the right, I think, and it was maybe as high as I am tall or slightly shorter. (I was Goren, but I seemed to be my own height.) It looked more like an attic door than a regular door. As I stared at this door, my pensive attitude grew. I knew this door represented something from my childhood, something lost. Something forgotten. Something possibly good, and possibly bad. Maybe even both. I sensed it was bad, but I had to remember it for some reason.
I really roleplayed the part of Goren right now. I can't remember exactly what I said, but again I commented on the door, and I slowly walked toward it, reaching out my hand toward the handle, my partner/friend standing off to my side and the other person maybe watching from the other room. I believe what I said before reaching it was, "What I've forgotten." The door represented everything I'd forgotten, and now needed to remember.
I think I got to grasp the handle, and to start to pull it open...I think of blinding light, but my mind might just be adding that. All I know for sure, is I never got to see what was behind that door.
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